April 7, 2011
Uncivil Discourse….The Fallout From “Hope and Change”
My best friend Theresa broke up with me about six months ago because she said that she decided that she was a socialist. I said, I know: youve always been a socialist. She responded with Ive now decided that Im a religious fanatic socialist, sort of like a Jew who wont date outside their race. Ive decided that anyone who is not a socialist is evil and I cant be around them.
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I met Theresa when I first moved to LA and have known her for about ten years; we went through our twenties together being best friends. We know everything about each other. We have cried with each other and been happy for each other and even discussed Oprah together. We loved each other. But because of her political beliefs, now she wont talk to me. She was in town this week. She didnt contact me. Shes changed her phone number: shes serious. She thinks that Im evil because Im not a socialist. It is horrible being dumped by a friend. Its worse than being dumped by a guy because it is far more personal. I am so angry with the political scene and with Obama because his stupid politics of polarization have made me lose my best friend.
Where have friendly rivalries gone? I used to be able to discuss the merits of socialism vs. smaller government with Theresa. Or discuss Israel vs Palestine with my family: my stepsister accused me of being unable to think for myself and of being controlled by my Jewish husband because I didnt believe that there was a group of Palestinians who were born in Israel forced into a colony and not given the same rights of other Israeli citizens: I just said that Id have to look into it but that it didnt sound right. That sort of reasoned answer was not good enough for her. Ive found that I cant just have a dispassionate political discussion with anybody on the left anymore: it becomes an all out fight, or they block you on Facebook or they never want to talk to you again. I know that now to bring up politics is not only unpleasant but has become socially dangerous.
Which brings me to what happened at Dodger Stadium this week: the Dodger fan has always been known as among the most docile of creatures in the pantheon of modern American professional sport they would arrive to a game late, they would leave games early. Los Angeles is not a great sports town, its a great entertainment town and the fans would watch games to be entertained, not to participate in some weird fantasy sports fetish. They care more about beating traffic out of the stadium then who wins or loses. They didnt yell, they didnt scream and there was always a friendly rivalry with the Giants Fans: razzing and teasing and that sort of thing. This week, Dodgers Fans: granted, most likely gang members, but Dodgers fans nonetheless have for all intents and purposes killed a man because he was wearing a Giants hat. I have always gotten along with my friends who have different opinions because I love my friends and I believe that everyone wants to do the right thing. They just have different ways of going about it. One knew that in a baseball rivalry we were all in reality the same because we were all baseball fans. But now even my best friend wont give the goodness of my intentions the benefit of the doubt. I have been labeled different. I wear a different uniform: anybody who is different is evil. Which means subhuman. That is a dangerous way to start thinking of each other. Historically, that has led to violence in politics and now it has led to violence in sports.
Obama ran on the nebulous platform of change and without definition change in general means things will never be the same. My relationship with my best and dearest friend will never be the same. Now the good people of Los Angeles will have a relationship with their Dodgers that will never be the same. Both of these relationships did not change for the better. They have changed for the worse. Much worse.
Lets hope this insane tribalistic behavior ends before the 2012 election but with the Democrats track record and the flame throwing, lapdog media colluding with them, I fear it wont.
I consider myself intelligent and well read. I voraciously read everything from Kant to Dostoyevsky to Spinoza. I make sure I am seen in coffeehouses reading them with the covers prominently displayed so that I look smart. I have a confession to make: behind closed doors, hidden in my bathroom away from any witnesses, I am a devout and prolific reader of Cosmopolitan and other womens magazines such as Marie Claire, Glamour and Vogue. I also love In Style and Elle. Oh, and Shape and Harpers Bazaar and W. I am an authority on such diverse subjects as Why my Thighs are Too Fat to What His Smile Means to 8 Ways to Wow Him in Bed. I have been greatly influenced to Dress to Get Noticed. -I apologize to everyone at Aunt Ednas funeral for the miniskirt without panties: I now know that there are times you should let others take center stage.
Womens magazines have influenced me greatly to change how I look, how I act, and most importantly, to never be satisfied with myself. They control my thoughts and my relationships with men. Which is why I am rather impressed with Al Qaedas understanding of a basic rule of the female psyche: that you can use womens magazines to control women. Armed with this knowledge, Al Qaeda is debuting a magazine to appeal to the female Jihaddist. It is based on Cosmopolitan and the first issue will have skincare tips and how to marry a suicide bomber. The second issue will have skin exfoliation tips, how to use social networking to recruit terrorists and how to marry a suicide bomber. The magazine is called Al-Shamikha or The Majestic Woman.
I have procured a translation of the Table of Contents:
- Your Last Chance to Make a Good Impression: What to Wear to Your Stoning (Page 3).
- Staying Inside and Other Ways to Keep Your Complexion Perfect (Page 4).
- Is Black the New Black? How Black Eyes Have Become the Trend of the Year. (Page 6).
- Burkha Woes: How to Stand Out in Your Facebook Profile Picture (Page 7).
- Your Husband Makes The Ultimate Sacrifice to Kill the Infidel Zionist: Susie Ormandaffi Gives Advice on What to Do With the $25,000 Payment Plus Tips on How to Find a Rich Suicide Bomber. (Page 9).
Food/Keeping a Home
- How to Pick the Perfect Little Black Dress that No One Will See You In and Other Ways to Make Staying Inside the House Fun.(Page 11).
- Making the Perfect Hummus: This Garlicky Take on an Old Treat Will Guarantee That Your Man will Force Sex on You and Not His Other Wives for Seven Days (Page 15).
- This is the Will of Allah (And Other Affirmations While Your Husband is Beating You) (Page 17).
- When Pain Doesnt Hurt Anymore: Forgetting Earthly Joys in Favor of the Koran: Special Guest Mufti Haj Jabbar Abdul Kareem. This Most Honorable Scholar of the Koran who has declared 5,000 Fatwas Against Infidels Gives Advice on Being a Good Muslim Woman. (Page 19).
- Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Poses Without his Shirt: Exploring the Thousand-Year Werewolf Trend among Arab Men. (Page 423).
- Standing out Among 6 Wives: How to Wow Him in Bed Without Getting Beaten for Being a Whore (Page 425).
- 6 Ways to Enjoy Your Clitoris Before Your Aunt Cuts it Off. (Page 427).
- Making His Last Night Count: How to Make Sure He Comes to You Instead of a Western Strip Club His Last Night Alive Before He Kills himself while carrying out the suicide bombing against the Zionist Infidels. (Page 428).
Al-Shamikha is based on Cosmo: in it, there is advice that is reflective of the Jihaddi culture from advice on staying inside to which suicide bomber is the right suicide bomber to marry. Cosmo plies Western women with rules that reflect our culture: we have to worry about whether to tease or flat iron our hair before our quiet date at home wherein we cook the perfect Engagement Chicken Dinner while we Figure out What Hes Thinking so that we can Amaze Him With Our Conversation. Then later, take him to bed and Give Him the Perfect Blow Job while trying to effortlessly find the Secret Spot on His Testicles That Will Make Him Crazy. We have to do all of this while making sure the red gel we put on our lamp to Make Our Bedroom More Seductive supplies us with the perfect lighting as we try to Give Ourselves the Perfect Angle to Hide Our Unsightly Cellulite and Tummy Pooch. Then after we finish, we have to Think Like a Man and let him fall asleep and not expect cuddling or a commitment and remember Not to Text Him Too Much The Next Day. The list of rules for The Koran is shorter. It makes me wonder if Cosmo has become our Koran. Women in Islam enforce the culture like the dress codes to performing genital mutilations with pride to teaching the points of Islam to the next generation. Women edit and write Cosmo and are harsher on each other than men could ever be on women and it looks like Al-Shamikha is following in that vein. Perhaps both cultures would be less harsh to women if women would ease up on each other and their children. I for one am going to try: the next time my husband thinks a girl is hot and I look at her and only see her big nose and jiggling thighs and wonder how he can possibly find her attractive, I will ease up on her and look at her pretty smile and thin waist. Maybe I will even do the impossible: maybe I will ease up on myself.
For a link to the article about Al-Shamikha (lest you think Im such a genius Ive made all of this up)